Hey VIPs,
Continuing the theme of acceptance, this month’s essay is adapted from an advice column I first wrote a decade ago. I was surprised to learn, upon reading the question again recently, that my answer had completely changed from the first time I answered it. What follows is a revised, much longer (and more compassionate) version.
It’s about love, particularly love from mothers, what happens when that love is fractured (or missing entirely), and how we never stop longing for that acceptance, that place we first called home.
Dear Anna,
My girlfriend was kicked out of her home by her Irish Catholic mom as a teen. Unfortunately, a death in her family three years ago forced her to move back in with her mom to take care of her. I didn't think much of it. But then my girlfriend revealed to me through drunken sobs one night early in our relationship that her mom doesn't need her anymore. She just desperately wants her mom to be a part of her life.
A few months later she met my family but she still hadn't told her mom about me. One night when we were at a party nearby, I was too drunk to drive home so she hesitantly agreed to let me spend the night. She snuck me in and snuck me out the following morning so her mom didn't see me. It was awful.
I’m devastated that my GF, who has a steady paycheck and resources to move out, is choosing to live a lie. She said she would find somewhere else to live, but months have passed and she’s done nothing, which broke my heart. But I didn't say anything. Since I come from an accepting family, I didn't feel like my opinion counted. But then, a few weeks ago, she broke down about her mom again and I snapped.
I told her I would not listen anymore. She chooses to stay with her mom, and I refused to talk about our future until she can deal with the problems in front of her. She set up a therapy appointment for herself and says she will talk to her mom, but my faith in her has diminished. I feel betrayed, like she took me and our relationship for granted. Do I just really not get how difficult it is to have a homophobic mother?—Tough Love